Reluctance
by lisbonandjanealways
Summary: She'd never been so unwilling to arrest a murderer in her entire life. On most occasions, she liked the feeling of handcuffing the killers. Not this time. Post Strawberries & Cream. J/L... No copyright infringement intended.


**Post **_**Strawberries and Cream.**_** Spoilers for the season 3 finale.**

**Yes, I know I should be working on my other two fics. Oh well.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine. **

She'd never been so unwilling to arrest a murderer in her entire life.

On most occasions, she _liked _the feeling of handcuffing the killers. She liked knowing that she could tell the family of the victim that the murderer of their loved one would be thrown in prison, and would stay there for a very long time. She liked knowing that the sick, cold-hearted human would feel the unsatisfying, uncomfortable feeling of icy cuffs being fastened securely around their wrists, confirming that he or she had been caught, and that they were in serious trouble. She liked knowing that they'd solved another case, another murder mystery.

Not this time.

As Teresa Lisbon made her way through the shopping mall, she didn't even bother drawing her gun. She knew she wouldn't need it. He'd go down without a fight. She knew he would. Her shoulder was screaming in pain, but she ignored it. Blood was still trying to fight it's way around the bandage Madeleine had hastily wrapped around it. Lisbon squeezed her eyes shut, trying to fight the tears she could feel coming. This could not be happening.

But it was. As soon as she stepped into the food court, she knew it was real.

A man was lying in the middle of a pool of blood, dead.

And Patrick Jane was seated in a chair in the middle of the room, hands up in nonchalant surrender. He was surrounded by security guards, guns drawn and pointing straight at him. When he spotted Lisbon, all he did was flash her an apologetic smile.

"CBI," she announced loudly to the guards as she entered, flashing her badge. "You can lower your guns." She glared at Jane. "He won't run."

One of the guards looked at her uncertainly.

"Just do it," Lisbon barked irritably.

The guards all exchanged looks before slowly lowering their guns and tucking them away into their holsters. They stepped back, letting Lisbon pass and make her way toward Jane.

He lowered his arms. "Hi, Lisbon."

She didn't say anything. She ground her teeth together.

"How did you get here so fast?" he asked her. "I figured the Sac PD would show up before you did."

"They called me. I told them not to come. I told them the CBI would take you into custody."

"Why would you-"

"_Because_, Jane," she snapped.

That's when he noticed her shoulder. "Are you-"

"No, I'm not okay," she hissed.

"I'm sorry, Lisbon," he whispered. "This is my fault."

She glanced around at the guards, who were watching her expectedly. She knew what they were waiting for. She knew what had to come next. A lump was beginning to form in the back of her throat. She didn't want to do this. God, she didn't want to do this at all.

Tears were stinging in her eyes. She finally spoke. "Put your hands behind your back," she said through clenched teeth.

Jane nodded, standing up slowly, and turning around. Lisbon felt a tear fall onto her cheek as she cuffed Jane. She couldn't believe this was happening. As she led Jane past the guards and toward the exit, she spoke in a shaking voice. "You have the right to remain silent," she blubbered, ashamed in herself for letting her emotions run away with her. "Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law." She tried to swallow the huge lump in her throat, but was unsuccessful. "You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you." They had reached her SUV, just as the coroners showed up, hurrying inside to tend to the body. Lisbon opened the door to the backseat, and Jane slid in wordlessly, attempting not to look Lisbon directly into her tearful eyes.

After she slammed the door on him, she climbed into the driver's seat, swallowing hard and shaking her head. She stabbed the key into the ignition and felt the SUV roar to life. Slowly, reluctantly, she started her half-hour-long drive back to the CBI, driving with one hand.

The man in the backseat was silent as he stared out the window. Thinking, she assumed. She glanced at him in the rearview mirror, wondering if she should say something. Anything. This would probably be one of the last times she'd speak to him before she sent him to prison.

He made it easy. He spoke first.

"I had to do it, Lisbon." He spoke quietly, barely audible.

"No. You didn't," she disagreed. She stared straight ahead, focusing on the road. "But _I _had to do _this._"

"I understand," he replied. "I just have one question. Why didn't you let the Sac PD arrest me? I assumed you would.""You assumed wrong," she said simply.

"I don't understand."

"Yeah? Well, there are a lot of things I don't understand right now, so why don't you just shut up?"

"One of my first days on the job I made it very clear, Lisbon, that this would happen."

She swallowed again, biting her lip.

"I'm sorry I put you in this position," he went on.

"No you're not."

"But I am," he said. "I'm not sorry that I killed him, but I am sorry that I put you, and the team, in this position."

"I _don't _want to hear it, Jane."

She glanced in the rearview mirror again. He was nodding. "Fair enough."

Her face turned bright red. She yanked the steering wheel to the right and pulled the SUV to the side of the road, startling her infuriating ex-consultant in the backseat. She cut the engine, throwing her seatbelt off and whipping around to face Patrick. "_What_ part of this is _fair?"_

"Look, I know you're angry," he said. "But I don't regret what I did, Lisbon."

"You might feel differently about that when you are forced to spend the rest of your life in prison," she growled.

"I don't regret it."

"You killed a man."

"He killed my family!"

"Shooting him doesn't change that, Jane. They aren't coming back," she hissed, hearing the cruelty in her words.

"I know."

"Do you?"

He sighed. "I did it for them."

She glared at him, another tear slipping down her cheek. This time, she didn't care who caught her crying. She was so mad.

"I love them, Lisbon," he croaked.

She glared out the window, biting the inside of her cheek hard enough that she could taste blood. The pain in her shoulder was still killing her, and she needed to get it checked out soon. But right now, she wasn't focusing on the pain in her shoulder. She was focused on the pain in her heart.

"I'm your best friend," she whispered. "You're supposed to love me, too."

Patrick winced. "I do."

"Then you should have listened to me." Without another word, she turned back around, wiping her eyes. She pulled the seatbelt across her body again, buckling in and starting the car. The rest of the drive to the CBI headquarters was silent. She didn't care what Jane said. She knew, someday, he'd regret throwing his life away. He'd regret having to leave the team. He'd regret having to leave her.

**Just writing this threw me into depression! Review?**


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